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Being a single parent doesn't mean you have to put your love on hold. There are plenty of organisations set up to help you meet friends and potential partners
Nothing compares to the "horror of becoming a single parent", says Joanna Gurr, founder of the Brighton-based Single Parent Information Network (SPIN) and mother of two. "I've done some difficult jobs in the past, including being a police officer," she says. "But nothing compares to the hard work of being on your own [with kids] and managing everything."
Social isolation is part and parcel of being a single parent, and dating is at the bottom of a long list of priorities. "When they are babies there are long isolating periods. Dating is off the agenda," explains Joanna. "It falls pretty low down in your hierarchy of needs, and that in itself can be quite depressing."
Many lone parents suffer from low self-esteem, a major barrier to forming new relationships. "The social isolation that many single parents feel gathers into low self-esteem and their confidence goes," says Stephen Hurry, a spokesperson for the national single parent organisation Gingerbread. "You lack self-confidence and don't show your true self. You're ill at ease and don't feel that you are worth anything." Joanna echoes the sentiment: "You dress differently. You go from someone who'd dress up to someone who doesn't bother with their appearance. You're not receptive to sex and therefore you don't look attractive."
Assuming you do feel like donning your glad rags and hitting the town, few single parents can afford, much less justify, the expense. "Many lone parents are on a low income and can't afford the clothes to present themselves," says Stephen. And, he points out, there are other practical considerations. Not everyone has a network of family and friends to help with baby-sitting, for instance. "Going out on a date can be so much hassle there is no spontaneity in a relationship. You have to plan everything first."
Even if you do overcome all these barriers and click with someone on a night out, there's no guarantee your kids will hit it off with them when they do meet.
When children reach school age, however, many single mums and dads discover that they have more time for themselves and would like to share it with a partner. Few single parents can afford the luxury of joining a dating agency, so how do you go about meeting someone when the time comes? ParentsAlready (www.parentsalready.com) is an internet dating agency specifically designed to introduce single parents to each other - and it's free. The two-year-old website has many thousands of members UK-wide although, according to the site's founder, David Pinless, the largest proportion of members is in the South East.
ParentsAlready recently polled its members and discovered that 99 per cent of them felt their children should be involved in the dating process "from the outset". "Kids come as part of the package," says David. "One woman started seeing a man from the website then later invited him to meet the kids. The kids didn't like him and felt he was usurping them. She wished she had got the kids involved from the beginning."
To address this issue, ParentsAlready has begun running family days out, which helps to bring single parent families (kids included) together. The first of these saw the website giving away 20 free tickets to Chessington World of Adventures during which, David says, two of the ten trial couples got it together. More recently the website held a picnic for 100 members in St Ann's Well in Hove. Gingerbread also operates a free Friendship register to introduce single parents in the same area.
Often, though, networking is a welcome
bi-product of organisations offering general support to single parents. SPIN, for example, is primarily an information resource for single parents. Joanna started collecting details of organisations she relied on when she found herself alone with her two children. Now that her own kids have reached school age, she's been able to get the project off the ground and will soon launch an online database of 900-plus sources. Joanna also aims to form a kind of mentoring network among members of SPIN. Those who have already experienced a housing or financial crisis will mentor those going through a similar experience for the first time. And there'll be an element of social networking.
Freecycle (www.freecycle.org) is a website where people can offload unwanted items for free and, says Joanna, is an invaluable resource for single parents. You express an interest (in a buggy or pram, say) and, assuming the donator feels you're a worthy recipient, it's yours. Last month, Jo attended a Freecycle picnic, another welcome opportunity to meet other single parents.
For single parents dating isn't easy but it needn't be impossible. As Joanna says: "In the long-term you have to have your own life and show children that you are not just someone who skivvies for them."
Useful sources
… SPIN's website hasn't launched yet but you can keep an eye on progress at www.ESCIS.org.uk or www.communigate.co.uk/sussex/spin/index.phtml You can become a free Yahoo! Group member at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SPINBrighton or mail Joanna Gurr at jo.gurr1@btinternet.com
… ParentsAlready: www.parentsalready.com
… Single parents network: www.singleparentsnetwork.com
… iVillage single parent area:
http://www.ivillage.co.uk and search "single parent"
… Gingerbread: www.gingerbread.org.uk
… Government information: www.direct.gov.uk/Parents/fs/en
… Citizens Advice Bureau: www.askcab.co.uk/youth_site/single%20parents.asp
copyright The Insight
2005
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