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From All-night parties to the Zanzibar club, there's something for everyone in Thomas Reed Kemp's former estate. Joel Carter takes a sideways glance at Brighton's most colourful district.
Photos by Tess Zahn
A All-Night Parties
Kemptown is home to the kind of party where "anything goes" - be it plant, animal or amoeba. One wonders how all these different kingdoms and species interact but, if the gatherings do carry on so late, there must be some universal language of the chat that allows them to "mash it up" so without further aid. B Barber Black Sheep
"Have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full." Just the kind of opening line the guys at this legendary hairdressers really appreciate each and every time you pay them a visit. It keeps the smiles on their faces. So make the journey and have your do styled by the happy ba-bas. Shear class.
C Cate Blanchett
The Shakespearean actress who, whilst filming Elizabeth, famously shaved her head to look more like Vin Diesel. While she's not pumping iron, Princess Galadriel, Queen of the Elves, likes to cause "chaos" by going renegade and installing solid marble baths into her £2 million Sussex Square pad. Because she can.
D Delis
There must be a ton of foodies in Kemp Town to account for the plethora of well-stocked delis that you can't help but trip over. For organic, Italian, breads, jars, artichokes and more, Bona Foodie, the Cherry Tree, Kemp Town Deli, and that-one-almost-as-far-as-the-Rock-Inn-whose-name-I-can't-remember are great places to explore.
E Edward Street
Amex House, a wonder of modern architecture. Designed as an alternative to the horizon-piercing high-rises that were sprouting at the time, this building does something completely different; it ruins everything else as well. The atmosphere, the surroundings (it's just round the corner from the Pavilion remember) and even the social security are unfortunately tarnished.
F Fitzherbert, Maria
A Kemp Town legend who had an affair with the Prince of Wales, a suspicious live-in "niece" and a nose that was described as "pronounced". The story could only be more seedy if she'd had an tryst with her big-nosed Welsh niece who, against all odds, turned out to be the artist formerly known as Prince.
G Gay Capital
With all those delightful rainbow flags billowing, Kemp Town is surely the happiest place in Britain. You need only look at the way in which same-sex friends are not afraid to demonstrate their mutual admiration with a squeeze or indeed a full-on snog to realise there's a whole lotta love going down. Bless.
H The Hot Potato
An aptly-named caff situated in a district that could be described as one big hot potato. Serious issues such as the European constitution and human cloning are no doubt tossed around like a steaming spud in this ancient eatery, burning fingers and bellies alike, just as in any other greasy spoon. Or perhaps not.
I Illicit Dens Of which there are no doubt hundreds.
In these dens acts of depravity occur, perpetrated mostly by out-of-work ex-footballers who, in lean times, are forced to look elsewhere to "get their kicks".
J Joogleberry Playhouse
Hidden away between St James Street and Marine Parade is this home to both great music and cuisine. Few venues combine the two with such success and even fewer can boast anything like the man-made star-lit sky that provides the ideal back-drop for some evening entertainment. They can joogle my berries anytime.
K Thomas Read Kemp
The founder of Kemp Town who, incredibly, had a name not dissimilar to the district which he created. Such coincidences are not uncommon in the odds-defying world of geography, witness Washington DC, and the irony was not lost on Thomas who laughed all the way to an early grave.
L Lewis Carroll
The author of Alice Through the Looking Glass was allegedly inspired to write about invisible cats, shrinking women and mad rabbits by the exclusive gardens of Sussex Square and not by the large amounts of opium and laudanum that were commonly consumed in those days. Or so he told his mum.
M Metway Studios
The home of the Levellers who ARE NOT A CRUSTY BAND despite the fact that their most famous fan is called Swampy.
N Nudist Beach
Situated just ten minutes east of Palace Pier, is this haven for all those who wish to feel free, to feel liberated and to feel a cool breeze on their nether regions. Avoid if easily embarrassed or if trying to keep those tattoos/piercings secret from your mum.
O Olivier, Lawrence
Perhaps the greatest actor of all time, old Lawro himself was a Kemptonian. We can only speculate as to whether he drew inspiration from his surroundings for his roles as a stake-wielding bigot in Dracula and trigger-happy Nazi death-dentist in Marathon Man - but I think we all know the true answer.
P Pubs
We reckon Kemp Town can lay claim to some of the best pubs in Brighton. There's a great range to choose from, whether it's the oh-so-trendy Sidewinder to fab Sunday lunch at the Dragon, buzzy St James's Tavern, Brighton Rocks and that really-nice-'local'-half-way-up-on-the-left-whose-name-I-can't-remember - you can't beat 'em.
Q The Queens Head
Double-entendre at its very best. Avoid visiting this karaoke/cabaret bar if you are a staunch right-wing royalist looking for somewhere to celebrate the anniversary of Her Majesty's coronation with some like-minded people. And the mural is of Freddie Mercury not Field Marshall Montgomery, by the way.
R The Redroaster
Serving the best coffee in Brighton (The Insight said so, so it must be true!), this renovated post office is the ideal place to get minced on caffeine. Drop in to enjoy traditional Italian blends or even, for the less adventurous, the house speciality, "Caffe Inglese". Then, get down your local Balti house and order your fave, egg, chips and gravy.
S The Saint
Influenced by the 60s TV series of the same name, this restaurant is the kind of place you'll find suave, sophisticated chaps such as Roger Moore hanging out. Here, they can enjoy Mediterranean food while simultaneously grappling crocodiles and bedding glamorous but doomed women called Ursula.
T Temptation
It's everywhere and comes in many different guises. The diversity and multiculturalism of Kemp Town means that there's something here to titillate even those with the most twisted of tastes, be it an Indian, a Moroccan or a foot-long Sub.
U Under-Cliff Walk
Once a favoured path for cyclists and trashers migrating to Ovingdean beach-parties, this scenic way has long been closed due to falling debris. Bikers can now get their kicks granny-dodging down the sea-front cycle-lane while the trashers are too far gone to care anyway.
V Volks Railway
A tiny railway built for the tiny people who used to live under Kemp Town cliffs. Legend has it that these nomads would move on to the next seaside resort on completion of their appropriately-sized crazy-golf courses. The route is still used by lazy people and those wishing to overcome stature-related issues.
W Amon Wilds
Wilds was the builder responsible for Kemp Town estates such as Sussex Square, Lewes Crescent, Arundel and Chichester Terraces. Architect Charles Busby's original plan was for two more squares and terraces with a further 200 houses and cottages. The builders started in 1823 and finished in 1830.
X X-Rated Shops
These excellent purchasing palaces are graded in Roman numerals because ********** would look unrealistically brilliant. Facades are often blacked-out to prevent passers-by being overawed by the standard of their wares.
Y Yachts
Nearby lies the marina, where average folk like you and me can store their fifty-foot catamarans. For the riff-raff there's ten-pin bowling and Asda.
Z Zanzibar
Once top dog of the gay club scene, the Zanzibar went the way of the Zap, proving the irrefutable Yellow Pages rule that business starting with Z tend to get pushed off the picture [O/M OK!]
copyright The Insight
2005
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